Thursday, 19 April 2012

Olympic torch really very broken

Stringent tests have been carried out on the Olympic torch to ensure it is capable of withstanding anything that could possible happen to it, ever. The tests were conducted by Basildon-based Tecoism Technical Simulation, working alongside Bullfinch; the engineers who designed the burner inside the torch.
The torch needed to be able to withstand extremes of temperature, extremes of weather and certain other criteria, before being described as weatherproof by Olympic organisers, Locog.
Tecoism’s MD, Stuart Hawker, oversaw the tests, before the findings were reported back to Locog; the Olympic organisers.
‘I oversaw the tests on Torchy,’ states Mr Hawker, fondly. ‘We needed to make sure that not only could Torchy bear up in this hideous English weather, but that she could also be abused with little or no physical ramifications. It is for this reason, and ONLY this reason, that I have a bit of Torchy left inside my anus. It is certainly a minor infection risk.’
Clare Pelly was project manager for torch production for Locog. ‘We thoroughly enjoyed pushing the torch to the very limits of its capabilities. Sadly, we can’t trust the general public to light it and turn it off and all that shit, what with their crapness at barbecues and whatnot, so we have asked the Metropolitan Police to waste their resources on being Torch turnerofferers. Operation Torcherfucker. Also, whilst you’re here: it was ME who sucked up all the water from the reservoirs with a straw. I am saving it for the opening ceremony, whereupon I shall spit it into cups for the overseas visitors. Overseas visitors are, incidentally, phenomenally more important than residents of the United Kingdom. Sadly, after all the stringent tests, the torch is now really fucking broken. Broken Britain. Fucking Tories. Broken fucking Tory Britain. Fuck ‘em. Set fire to them. Set fire to the Tories. Dance with me.’
Karina Evans 2012

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Campaign to end obesity crisis

Doctors’ organisations in the country are working together to form a campaign to combat the United Kingdom’s obesity epidemic. The campaign proposes exercise awareness, ‘fat taxes’ and banning or restricting fast-food advertising.
‘Up to twenty-five percent of the United Kingdom’s population are said to be obese, but it is very difficult to pinpoint an exact number as they sort of wobble into each other, making it impossible to count them,’ says Professor Terence Stephenson, a spokesman for the campaign. ‘Imagine two jellies on a plate; a yellow one and an orange one. If you shake them to parody fat people walking, you will see they touch each other and soon begin to BECOME each other. Yum. This is why I can’t count fat people. And also because I have only ten fingers, two of which are thumbs, and there are more than ten fat people in the UK.’

The Royal Medical Colleges and Faculties are also concerned about the Olympic sponsorship from the fast-food giant; McDonalds. ‘McDonalds makes people fat. This is a fact. A fact which fucking worries me. It fucking worries me that people will travel from other countries to watch the healthy, sexy, Olympic games and be encouraged to eat seventy-five burgers, then go home all fat,’ mutters a spokesman through a mouthful of Haribo. ‘This will result in one of seven outcomes. The first potential outcome is the world tipping clean off its fucking axis due to all the fatty chompers and we will all fall off. Secondly, when our Olympic visitors return home, their family and friends will notice they have become fat whilst in England, therefore England will henceforth be known as FuckingFattyland and we will be internationally bullied. Seventhly, and definitely most terribly; our beautiful, skinny, skinny, beautiful athletes will start eating burgers instead of raw eggs, spinach and tofu; they’ll be too fat to run. Fat is not sexy. Thin is sexy. I am a pest.’

Professor Stephenson suggests that a ‘fat tax’ and pointing and laughing at fat people is the most effective way of dealing with the growing issue. ‘There is nothing like humiliation to garner enthusiasm,’ he says whilst masturbating furiously. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to persecute them, I am merely trying to control the huge number of them. They are no longer fetishist if you see hundreds every day, wobbling their delicious flesh. Squash me.’

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Government positively encouraging fuel strike

The government are sorely disappointed that their contingency plans put in place in case of a fuel strike may not be utilised.
The government have held several meetings to discuss the action they would take if a fuel strike were to go ahead and have planned to hold a meeting at eleven o'clock every morning to secure the plans and ensure they are watertight. A spokesman for the Department for Energy and Climate Change states 'We are positively furious at the fuckawful news that Unite have come up with some half-cocked plan to ruin our ideas. We have enough battenburg and filter coffee to see us through this month. We had amazing plans and displayed these plans upon this flip-chart. Look. These little stick-men are the fuel tanker drivers and this man waving his arms saying 'Your job is not fucking dangerous enough,' is Davey Cameron. If you look over the will see a pie-chart and a venn diagram. I drew both because I was not sure which one was prettier.' The spokesman chews his pencil thoughtfully, before continuing 'the pie chart and venn diagram both represent how aroused we are by the thought of people queuing for petrol. Over the page can see a graph displaying exactly how aroused we are. I produced over four gallons of semen last week when I went to my local Morrisons' petrol station and saw that they had run out of Super Unleaded. This is sexier than war.'
Unite, the union which represents 2062 tanker drivers, is calling for minimum standards of pay, holiday and redundancy. Nick Dennis, a spokesman for Unite, says the government are not being helpful. 'The government are not being helpful,' he says.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Royal Mail makes stamps really fucking expensive

Royal Mail have taken the bold move to ration stamps in the lead-up to the unprecedented price rise, due on 30th April.
A spokesman for Royal Mail states that the move is to prevent people stockpiling thousands and thousands and thousands of stamps to avoid paying the extra fourteen pence; a first class stamp is due to rise to sixty whole pence and a second class stamp to fifty whole pence. 'They're still an actual bargain,' giggles the spokesman coquettishly. 'We at Royal Mail will make absolutely certain that the general public sluts are not able to save any money in any way whatsoever. We have already stopped Superdrug in its tracks; the whore ran out. Stamp whores, fuck whores, fuck stamps.' The spokesman sips some pink lemonade and spins in his chair until dizzy and sick, stopping only to fire stamps out of an adapted BB gun.
One member of the public told us that he is planning to buy a million stamps in advance, to avoid the significant increase in cost. 'I can't really afford it,' states the gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous, 'but I will sell my house if need be. Stamps are robust and extra sticky, so I could always live in a stamp house for a while. Do you have any gingerbread?'
The Royal Mail says that the extra revenue generated from the price rise will go towards 'important and sexily interesting things, namely a massive stamp-themed party, in which we hope the Queen will arrive with her beautiful face covered in stamps, which in turn, are stamped with her beautiful face.'
The Queen declined to comment.