Monday, 5 December 2011

Giant pandas and (((hugz))) for Scotland

Two giant pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, following a gruelling nine hour journey from China.

The pandas; Sweetie and Sunshine; yesterday touched down in Scotland as part of their transfer to Edinburgh zoo. The pandas-transported in boxes clearly marked 'PANDA'-have been loaned to Edinburgh by China, in a move which will cost the zoo £600,000 per year, plus a lot of green stuff. ‘This is EXCITING!’ yells Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond. ‘I have recently taken to travelling to China to show off my inventions, in an effort to promote business links. Look,’ Mr Salmond produces a pair of chopsticks with sharp points at each end. ‘They have very, very pointy ends, which allow the diner to STAB their food hard and pick it up without having to get the hang of the grippy, slippy technique. Anyway, I digress. My invention was a storming success, and now they have loaned us pandas at a slidey Wonga rate of interest. Result.’

The Scottish government said the loan of the pandas symbolises a strengthening relationship between Scotland and China. ‘The chopsticks are a bit shit,’ said a government spokesman, with holes in his cheeks, ‘but the panda thing is a big deal. Financially, it costs more to keep two massive pandas than to keep a scary cat, but we accepted the pandas, which means we accept that China finally likes us. They even did a little thumbs-up on one of our Facebook posts, and sent us some (((hugz))) on the day I was really tired and had run out of coffee and felt a bit down. We are hoping this will set a precedent. Next, I would like to borrow a desert-hedgehog from Afghanistan. Although, it’ll break my fucking heart when I have to send it back. Lol.’

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