Thursday, 4 August 2011

MPs to vote on how best to hang people

MPs may be forced into a landmark vote on whether to reinstate the death penalty, due to a magical new scheme in which ordinary people use their Twitter powers to make other people think the same stuff that they are thinking.

If any one Tweeter can think good or bad thoughts hard enough to make one hundred thousand followers think exactly what they are thinking, MPs will probably have to think about it too, and possibly discuss the matter in the House of Commons. John Barnaby; a sixty-five year old from a bungalow, has recently joined Twitter in an effort to initiate an e-petition that will stop people doing things that he thinks the Daily Mail wouldn't approve of. 'I have opinions and morals that are mostly vague and unsubstantiated,' says Mr Barnaby. 'People who don't agree with me make me a bit bloody angry. I think.' Mr Barnaby tightly closes his eyes, shakes his head and takes a deep breath, before continuing: 'I would hold hands with a leper, but not with a dirty paedo. I went on Twitter to raise awareness. Twitter is a tool. I like my wife to dress my table nicely at Christmas, and also to cook everything. I enjoy a glass of red wine with beef. All immigrants are criminals. All criminals are immigrants. Kill.'

Commons leader, Sir George Young, welcomes the e-petition: 'You may think that we think that you think we think it's perishing nuisance.' says Sir George Young. 'But, the MPs are having an absolute WHALE of a time; thinking about stuff and thinking in different directions towards each other, and then trying out different ways to hang each other. One of them actually came up with a jolly good idea, and has been practising for days, to see whether it could work. Look.' Sir Young points at the doorframe, on which hangs a Tory MP, clad only in stockings, dangling from a satin-covered rope. 'If you look closely, you can see a large orange protruding from his arse. See?'

Karina Evans 2011

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Barak Obama in talks with Consumer Credit Counselling Service

President Barak Obama is currently in talks with the Consumer Credit Counselling Service in an effort to reduce his monthly outgoings; thus avoiding the need to raise the national debt ceiling.

Barak has recently found that he has a spiralling 'monetary-deficit' problem, possibly stemming from the time he borrowed cash from a Provident lady at a staggering 140000% interest rate. 'I need to have spent three trillion pounds less,' declared President Obama, ashamedly, during negotiations in Washington DC. 'I take a certain element of responsibility for this mess, and I am trying very hard to sort it out whilst keeping everyone very happy.' He swallowed a sob before proudly continuing: 'I even went on that, to see if I could borrow three trillion pounds and pay it back on the twenty-eighth of next month, which is pay day, but the money number was too big and it broke their fucking slidey thing.'

Obama now has no choice but to approach the Consumer Credit Counselling Service, in the hope that they will help him reduce his monthly outgoings and negotiate with his creditor(s). A spokesperson for the CCCS; Mr Bigglesworth, states: 'If Mr Obama were to give us a call, I am sure we could assist him with his red-hot debt. Red hot liquid magma. Firstly, he would have to promise not to borrow any money from anyone ever ever ever not ever fricking again, else we will tell him to frick off and sort out his own fricking mess. If Mr Bigglesworth gets upset, people die. Fourthly, he will have to fill in a monthly expenditure form, whereupon we will tell him that he is spending too much money on mini-people. The only issue I can foresee is that Mr Obama will need to declare which fucktard lent him the money in the first place, so we can send them a pound in an envelope to prove intention to pay off his debt.' Mr Bigglesworth shakes his head sadly, before whizzing around on his chair, muttering: 'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?'