Monday, 5 December 2011

Giant pandas and (((hugz))) for Scotland

Two giant pandas have arrived in Edinburgh, following a gruelling nine hour journey from China.

The pandas; Sweetie and Sunshine; yesterday touched down in Scotland as part of their transfer to Edinburgh zoo. The pandas-transported in boxes clearly marked 'PANDA'-have been loaned to Edinburgh by China, in a move which will cost the zoo £600,000 per year, plus a lot of green stuff. ‘This is EXCITING!’ yells Scottish First Minister, Alex Salmond. ‘I have recently taken to travelling to China to show off my inventions, in an effort to promote business links. Look,’ Mr Salmond produces a pair of chopsticks with sharp points at each end. ‘They have very, very pointy ends, which allow the diner to STAB their food hard and pick it up without having to get the hang of the grippy, slippy technique. Anyway, I digress. My invention was a storming success, and now they have loaned us pandas at a slidey Wonga rate of interest. Result.’

The Scottish government said the loan of the pandas symbolises a strengthening relationship between Scotland and China. ‘The chopsticks are a bit shit,’ said a government spokesman, with holes in his cheeks, ‘but the panda thing is a big deal. Financially, it costs more to keep two massive pandas than to keep a scary cat, but we accepted the pandas, which means we accept that China finally likes us. They even did a little thumbs-up on one of our Facebook posts, and sent us some (((hugz))) on the day I was really tired and had run out of coffee and felt a bit down. We are hoping this will set a precedent. Next, I would like to borrow a desert-hedgehog from Afghanistan. Although, it’ll break my fucking heart when I have to send it back. Lol.’

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, 28 October 2011

Government considering letting us make up the time

Government ministers are considering letting us decide what time it is, in a bold new proposal. Ministers are using night-lights to illuminate their surroundings as they write letters to counterparts in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales, suggesting a trial. The proposal suggests that instead of putting clocks forward and backwards and backwards and forwards; as we currently do; we would become in charge of our own destiny and decide for ourselves what time it feels like it could possibly be.

If the proposal goes ahead, the change would mean that for one autumn, the clocks would remain the same. After one sleep, we would all be able to look out of the window and decide what time we think it should be. Daily Mail columnist, Peter Hitchens, is a critic of the proposed change.

‘It’s not just Scotland that will suffer,’ Mr Hitchens states firmly, ‘it will also affect milkmaids and Daily Mail readers. Milkmaids will be unable to see udders, and Daily Mail readers will be unable to see the print in the newspaper, thus rendered incapable of absorbing fodder for casual, acceptable racism. Do Poland and gypsies do the DST thing?’

The Daylight Savings Private Members’ Bill was put forward by Conservative MP, Rebecca Harris.

‘This is not a case of ‘Oh, let’s make up the fucking time, again,’ states Ms Harris, ‘I will not stand for all that malarkey; it’s about deciding when it looks like the evening and getting pissed.’ Ms Harris glugs from a bottle of Frosty Jack’s, before whispering: ‘it’s eight pm: look at that window. Oh. It’s a fish tank.’

Thursday, 4 August 2011

MPs to vote on how best to hang people

MPs may be forced into a landmark vote on whether to reinstate the death penalty, due to a magical new scheme in which ordinary people use their Twitter powers to make other people think the same stuff that they are thinking.

If any one Tweeter can think good or bad thoughts hard enough to make one hundred thousand followers think exactly what they are thinking, MPs will probably have to think about it too, and possibly discuss the matter in the House of Commons. John Barnaby; a sixty-five year old from a bungalow, has recently joined Twitter in an effort to initiate an e-petition that will stop people doing things that he thinks the Daily Mail wouldn't approve of. 'I have opinions and morals that are mostly vague and unsubstantiated,' says Mr Barnaby. 'People who don't agree with me make me a bit bloody angry. I think.' Mr Barnaby tightly closes his eyes, shakes his head and takes a deep breath, before continuing: 'I would hold hands with a leper, but not with a dirty paedo. I went on Twitter to raise awareness. Twitter is a tool. I like my wife to dress my table nicely at Christmas, and also to cook everything. I enjoy a glass of red wine with beef. All immigrants are criminals. All criminals are immigrants. Kill.'

Commons leader, Sir George Young, welcomes the e-petition: 'You may think that we think that you think we think it's perishing nuisance.' says Sir George Young. 'But, the MPs are having an absolute WHALE of a time; thinking about stuff and thinking in different directions towards each other, and then trying out different ways to hang each other. One of them actually came up with a jolly good idea, and has been practising for days, to see whether it could work. Look.' Sir Young points at the doorframe, on which hangs a Tory MP, clad only in stockings, dangling from a satin-covered rope. 'If you look closely, you can see a large orange protruding from his arse. See?'

Karina Evans 2011

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Barak Obama in talks with Consumer Credit Counselling Service

President Barak Obama is currently in talks with the Consumer Credit Counselling Service in an effort to reduce his monthly outgoings; thus avoiding the need to raise the national debt ceiling.

Barak has recently found that he has a spiralling 'monetary-deficit' problem, possibly stemming from the time he borrowed cash from a Provident lady at a staggering 140000% interest rate. 'I need to have spent three trillion pounds less,' declared President Obama, ashamedly, during negotiations in Washington DC. 'I take a certain element of responsibility for this mess, and I am trying very hard to sort it out whilst keeping everyone very happy.' He swallowed a sob before proudly continuing: 'I even went on that, to see if I could borrow three trillion pounds and pay it back on the twenty-eighth of next month, which is pay day, but the money number was too big and it broke their fucking slidey thing.'

Obama now has no choice but to approach the Consumer Credit Counselling Service, in the hope that they will help him reduce his monthly outgoings and negotiate with his creditor(s). A spokesperson for the CCCS; Mr Bigglesworth, states: 'If Mr Obama were to give us a call, I am sure we could assist him with his red-hot debt. Red hot liquid magma. Firstly, he would have to promise not to borrow any money from anyone ever ever ever not ever fricking again, else we will tell him to frick off and sort out his own fricking mess. If Mr Bigglesworth gets upset, people die. Fourthly, he will have to fill in a monthly expenditure form, whereupon we will tell him that he is spending too much money on mini-people. The only issue I can foresee is that Mr Obama will need to declare which fucktard lent him the money in the first place, so we can send them a pound in an envelope to prove intention to pay off his debt.' Mr Bigglesworth shakes his head sadly, before whizzing around on his chair, muttering: 'Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?'

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Ryanair to make passengers sit inside each other

Budget airline, Ryanair, are planning to fuck their passengers up the arse a little bit harder, with plans to make them sit inside each other on flights. Chief executive, Michael O’Leary, has been in talks with plane manufacturer, Boeing, in an effort to ascertain the possibility of fitting specialist apparatus on a Boeing aircraft.

‘For this dream to become a reality; all we will need is: some lubricant, a few shoe horns and a pulley system attached to the ceiling,’ states Mr O’Leary, before continuing ‘I got the idea last week, when I looked in my mother’s vagina and realised what a terrible waste of space it was. If a baby can come out; a person can go in. Then I looked inside my father’s anus; basically, it is an enormous cavity. I’ve also seen something similar on’

Mr O’Leary is currently seeking approval from the Irish Aviation Authority, to establish whether it is legal to have a ‘Russian Doll’ standing arrangement upon an aircraft. The airline will insist that passengers are arranged inside each other in an orderly manner, with the largest person most definitely on the outside. ‘It is all about a convenient, safe, cheap and easy way to travel.’ says Mr O’Leary, ‘and, actually, before you get all fucking precious about it, it means I will no longer be forced to tax fat, disgusting, horrible, greedy people, as they can be the outside of the Russian doll. It’s a win-win situation. Except when they need a crap.’