Sunday, 21 November 2010

Cigarettes 'no better than paedophiles' state Ministers

Government ministers and anti-smoking groups have abandoned their campaign to stop adults smoking, and are instead focussing their attentions on stopping cigarette manufacturers pasting glitter and cartoon characters on packaging.
Currently, cigarette manufacturers hire illustrators from well-loved children’s television programmes, such as Teletubbies and Pokemon, in an effort to attract toddler smokers. Under the government’s proposal, these pictures will be replaced with either a picture of an old person burning in hell, or someone with the skin ripped clean from their lips, after leaving a cigarette in their mouth for far too long.
‘It’s wrong that children are being attracted to smoke by fucking glitzy designs on packets,’ mumbles Health Secretary, Andrew Lansley. ‘It’s akin to dressing a dirty paedophile in a fluffy teddy-bear suit and expecting a child not to be attracted to him.'
Mother of four, Theresa Sandwell agrees ‘I agree with that bloke. The other day I went into my local shop to buy some sweets for my 2-year-old, Triton. He was attracted to the glitzy packaging on the cigarettes that were stored behind the counter; alongside the alcohol, condoms, razors and knives, and so I bought him some. He’s now an addict. Give him heroin.'
Martin Dockrell, director of policy and research at Action on Smoking and Health (ASH) backs this view; ‘See? I’m right. They use it [packaging] to seduce our kids.' Mr Dockrell looks around conspiringly, before whispering: ‘I’m not a smoker, but I carry empty packets with me. It helps.’
Karina Evans 2010

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

Harry Chooses Wedding Outfit

Prince Harry is said to be 'delighted' at the news that his brother, William, will be marrying fiancée, Kate Middleton, sometime next year.
Harry, who is permanently pissed, rushed straight to a fancy dress shop upon hearing the news and purchased an appropriate outfit for the big day. The details of his intended attire are meant to be a secret at this time, but rumours indicate the outfit will be white.
'The outfit is a flowing white robe,' confirmed fancy dress shop owner, David Smythe, 'it's a fairly subtle little number, with a really fucking pointy hat, a mask and a splash of colour in the form of a red badge on the left breast.' The wedding has put big smiles on the faces of Daily Mail readers, who are petitioning for the day itself to be made a national holiday to allow for the middle-class to throw street parties, whilst chavs burgle their empty homes.
'The wedding day should bloody well be a national holiday!' exclaims Terence White, a retired accountant from Northumberland: 'this bloody well has a two-fold benefit: firstly, I will get bloody drunk on red wine and bloody well drive my car, because I'm a retired middle-class gentleman, so the law bloody well allows me to do this.' Mr White rubs at his crusty red-wine lips before continuing: 'Secondly, it will bloody well bankrupt all those smelly little businesses who cannot bloody well afford to pay staff double-time for bank holiday working. I bloody well buy everything on the interweb. Diana is dead. Hold me.'
Prince Philip is also said to be delighted at the news, as this will allow William to engage in traditional sex: 'They have been practising with anal sex for years,' he says 'Just like me and the missus. She allows me up the wrong'un if she does something awful, like that thing with the Corgi and the peanut butter, or if she forgets to laugh at one of my bigoted, racist jokes at a public event. It's a fucking lovely treat.'
Karina Evans 2010

Monday, 1 November 2010

Teenage Girls Don't Deserve to Have Safe Sex

A few people are furious at news that teenage girls in the Isle of Wight will soon be able to access the contraceptive pill at their local pharmacy. In a controversial scheme; girls aged 13 and over who pick up the morning-after pill at a pharmacy, will be given a month’s supply of Desogestrel; a contraceptive pill. Politicians, church figures, and a mother have voiced their opinions on the controversial move, amid concerns that it will force young teenage girls to have sex safely.
‘It’s sexualising young teenagers, and priming them for underage sex,’ rants Antonia Tully, a mother of four. ‘No potentially pregnant teenage girl would ever consider ever, ever, ever having sex again, until a fuckwit pharmacist-bitch thrusts Desogestrel at her with her slutty, cum-soaked fingers, whilst huskily mouthing the lyrics to ‘Move Closer’ through her slightly pursed, pillar-box red, overblown blow-job lips.'
Conservative MP, Andrew Turner, adds: ‘Teenage girls have sex; it’s a sad sex-fact that we need to put an end to. They certainly don't deserve the luxury of safe sex. We don’t wish to condone sex in any way, shape or form by offering them a sex safety-net. We have held a sex meeting and conclude that the only way to stop this sex is to withdraw all types of sex contraceptives available to teenage sex-sluts. This will ensure that they stay safely indoors, pseudo-sexing Barbie dolls with their brother’s sex sperm.'
Ten of the island’s thirty pharmacies will take part in the scheme, implemented by the Isle of Wight’s Primary Care Trust. The Reverend Anthony Glaysher, from the Catholic diocese of Portsmouth is angry and more than a little confused: ‘three hundred unwanted babies are better than none, and also, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A stitch in time saves nine. Syphilis is a gift; today is yesterday, tomorrow is a present; unwrap it. Fuck me.'
Karina Evans 2010