Sunday, 31 October 2010

Baby Modelling Contest NOT hijacked admit Next

High street fashion chain, Next, have admitted that offensive comments and death threats posted on Facebook came directly from them, not a hacker as first reported.
The comments were posted as the chain launched a Facebook page to find two new baby models, and were directed at the parents of the 'really fucking ugly' babies.
'The standard was appallingly low,' states a Next spokesperson. 'We had to swiftly address the issue. Every morning we would check Facebook, praying for a sexy little mite, only to be faced with skinny, ugly fuckers. Nobody wants to buy clothes that have been modelled by a fucking ugly, probably bastard, child. They should actually die.'
The mother of one of the 'fucking ugly' children says resignedly: 'Yes, Lambreeney is fucking ugly, I very much appreciate being told. I have now drowned him.'
Karina Evans 2010

Thursday, 28 October 2010

All New Children to be Named Jack or Elsie

Following the furore surrounding the name ‘Mohammed’ being revealed as the number one boys’ name in the United Kingdom and Wales, the government have hit back by imposing an interim law insisting all newborn babies are named ‘Jack’ or ‘Elsie’.
The official list, which covers the birth of all babies in England and Wales in 2009, reveals that ‘Mohammed’ is officially 16th on the list, but derivations of the name were also taken into consideration, pushing it to number one for the first time.
Government spokesman, Jack White, triumphantly crows: ‘We need to bring back other names, or other names will become extinct, like the dodo did. Therefore, we are absolutely insisting that everyone calls their baby either Jack or Elsie. Depending on gender.'
Jennifer ‘Mohammed’ Sykes, who assisted in compiling the list, states: ‘unfortunately, we hit a bit of an obstacle. We wanted to cause a massive backlash, and induce a little racial hatred, but couldn’t with ‘Mohammed’ at stupid number fucking 16.'
Jennifer wipes away a small smug tear, before continuing:
‘We needed more Mohammeds. It was then decided that any derivation of the name Mohammed would therefore count and push it up the list, thus making people who are fundamentally racist; but pretend not to be; very fucking angry indeed. We ended up counting other names beginning with ‘M’, and it eventually made it to number one. Whoop.’
The derivations of the name ‘Mohammed’ that were included in the final count are listed below:
Karina Evans 2010

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

London's Burning

The heartbreaking song 'London's Burning' could become a stark reality, if the proposed firefighters' strike goes ahead on Bonfire Night this year.
The Fire Brigade Union have told firefighters not to fetch the engines on 5th November, even when begged to by people in pain, squealing with terror, with sparklers stuck up their noses. They are planning to strike against proposed plans to change their shift pattern to something disturbingly shit.
Union chairman, Brian Coleman, states: 'This is appalling. Fight fire with fire. There's no smoke without fire. Too many fires spoil the fire. Firestarter, twisted firestarter. What was the question?'
The proposed shift pattern change is to incorporate community work, during the longer, less fiery, day shifts. London Fire Commissioner, Ron Dobson, defended the proposed change: 'they'll be able to give out free smoke alarms to people who can’t be arsed to buy them themselves. I don't really see the problem. Pour the water. FIRE FIRE, etcetera.'
Parliament’s All Party Fire Safety and Rescue Group member and Tory MP, Nadhim Zahawi, has called for ministers to enforce a no-strike ban on firefighters. 'They should put up and shut up,' stormed Mr Zahawi, 'I'm not threatening them, but if they don't call off this strike, I'm going to hunt them down and kill each and every fucking one of them, then fight all the fires myself. With fucking fire.'
Karina Evans 2010

Monday, 25 October 2010

Romanian Children Found Working in Magical Forest

Seven Romanian children between the ages of nine and sixteen have been found working in a magical forest in Worcestershire.
The children were discovered by the Gangmasters Licensing Authority (GLA), who described the situation as ‘disturbingly quirky’.
Linda Boyle, of the GLA, said: ‘I had heard rumours that children were picking mushrooms in forests locally, and decided to go and have a look for myself. It was disturbingly quirky. I tiptoed over to watch them work; they picked the mushrooms, then they dried them, then they sold them to a man in a hooded pullover. If they didn't give him enough, he lovingly whipped them with the handle end of a firearm. They held some back and made me a mushroomy cup of tea, as they had no herbal shit. Look. Everything is covered in glitter.'
Ms Boyle pauses before continuing: ‘They are all quite short, therefore have been taken into police protection until suitable accommodation can be found for them. I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel pretty. And witty. And bright.'
The children were all adequately dressed for the cold conditions, in lovely green suits, pointy shoes and hats with bells on the end. ‘Safety was not an issue,' stresses Ms Boyle. ‘The bell-ended hats ensured the other elves heard them coming. They were having a fucking wonderful time. Fucking wonderful.'

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Patients' Anger At Being Forced to Have Swine Flu Vaccination

Patients have reacted angrily to the news that they may be forced to have swine flu vaccinations. The proposed programme will see everyone entitled to the flu jab being tied down and repeatedly stabbed with needles containing the H1N1 swine flu vaccination.
Katherine Murphy, chief executive of the Patients Association, is very pissed off: 'The side effects of H1N1 are well documented. They include not suffering from a terrible flu with terrible flu-like symptoms this winter. How will anyone get any sympathy, or get to feel sorry for themselves if they are perfectly fucking healthy?'
It is proposed that patients will be plucked from their beds, whilst they are sleeping, by a giant, government-funded crane, and deposited in their nearest GP surgery.
'It's like Nightmare on Elm Street, all over again,' adds Katherine, before continuing: 'One, two, the crane is coming for you, blah...blah...blah, never sleep again etc. Blah. All I can suggest is that the elderly, vulnerable and impregnated dose up on Red Bull and twist their own genitals to keep themselves awake.'
Karina Evans 2010

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Teacher Banned For Life For Being Utterly Crap

A teacher incapable of teaching stuff has been banned from teaching for life.

Nisar Ahmed was head of business studies at a community technology college in Hungerford, despite being unable to read, or turn on a computer. His utter crapness was discovered when one of his pupils was caught smashing open a computer hard drive to retrieve some lost files; a move, he states, that was suggested by Mr Ahmed.

Mr Ahmed has taught at various schools in the South-East of England for the last 13 years. Former pupil, Matt Brown, states ‘he taught us how to draw a fucking good vagina. And that picture with the big nose over the top of the wall. Although, he struggled a bit with the graffiti element.’

The John O’Gaunt Community Technology College gave Mr Ahmed extensive support for more than a year, but he failed to improve. General Teaching Council committee chair, Rosalind Burford, said: ‘Mr Ahmed, they gave you support; there’s no fucking excuse; they accepted that you may need extra help and tried to teach you the alphabet, albeit phonetically. You failed to plan lessons effectively, preferring to stand at the front of the class throwing stuff and drawing giant penises on the whiteboard. This resulted in a lack of pace and challenge in your lessons. You’re fired. Forever. Fuck off’.

Mr Ahmed says he will appeal against the GTC decision: ‘I will appeal. I liked being a teacher. Since being fired, I have learnt to sing the alphabet and can now recite my two times table, OFF BY HEART. I am being used as an escape goat, although I am not completely sure what that means’.

Karina Evans 2010

Friday, 22 October 2010

Euromillions winners to remain anonymous

The winners of the £113 million Euromillions prize have finally come forward to claim their money. They are believed to be a syndicate of four men, who do not wish their identities to be revealed in case people insist they buy them presents.

'We do not wish for our identities to be revealed' said 44-year-old David Cameron from London. 'I have an important job and lots of money anyway, and more money I can claim back in taxes, and more money from taking money from people, and now I have even more money. I think if people know who I am, those people might want me to buy them presents or give them back some of their money that I took from the money they earned'.

Another member of the syndicate, 24-year-old Wayne Rooney, declined to comment, merely shouting 'Old. Whore. Fisting. Here. Please' out of the hotel window, in the general direction of a local bingo hall. He caught the eye of a passing geriatric, who struggled up the stairs clutching a pot of Vaseline and some fingerless gloves. She also declined to comment, but is believed to be Marjorie Trent, an unemployed 97-year-old, with a DWP-subsidised colour television licence.

The third winner is definitely George Osborne. George has been in hiding since Tuesday. Reports suggest that he had been slowly and miserably masturbating with £50 notes, before his Polish cleaner, also in the Euromillions syndicate, waved the winning ticket at him. Dariusz Wysocki, 16 is reported to be the brains behind the recent UK spending cut, despite only knowing 3 English words: 'yes', 'George' and 'harder'.

The four have stated that the money will not change them, vowing that they will remain 'smug, gerontophile, nationally loathed, mercenary wankers'.

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Government are gerontophiles

Government are all gerontophiles.

A government spokesman has admitted that spending cuts aimed to hit everyone under the age of 66 were implemented because they want to shag old people.

'we want to have sex with old people' admitted a government spokesperson. 'This is why we don't want them to be cold, unable to afford to watch porn, or buy lubricant. They are notoriously dry'

'We still think anyone young is a bit of a tosser, which is why we have chosen to punish them. Hopefully they will all die and it'll be just us and the yummy geriatrics'

Amongst other controversial spending cuts, the government plan to increase the pension age to 66 in 2020; six years earlier than predicted; a move which has angered people born in 1955.

'they fail to realise that one day the younger people will be old, then they can shag them too. It's a very short-sighted set of policies and they have neglected to take this into account' says Adam, a builder from Northamptonshire, who was born in 1955.

It is feared that this particular genre of spending cuts have been influenced by the recent behaviour of granny-fisting footballer, Wayne Rooney. Financial forecaster and actor, Frank Mackintosh, predicts that once the dust has settled, and reality sets in, the government may quietly reverse their decisions.
'once it becomes 'fashionable' again to find young people sexually attractive, the government will want to seduce them with money. This will only happen if a premiership footballer takes a liking to prostitutes under the age of 30. Unfortunately, Peter Crouch just isn't attractive enough to instigate a turn-around. I may have a word with Beckham. Don't worry: I'll sort it'

Karina Evans 2010

Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Government in licence discussion with BBC

Government ministers are in talks to force the BBC to pay for pensioners’ television licences. The talks came about as it was realised that old people are much more important than young people, therefore deserve to watch the television more than they do.

A government minister last night confirmed that ‘young people are mostly wankers, which is why we have only ever paid for old people’s licences'

Government research indicates that middle-aged people won't mind paying an extra £20 on top of their existing television licences, and are happy to be forced to share their hard-earned money with old people. This will absorb any cost to the BBC, thus making them a bit happier about the whole thing.

The government minister continues 'Old people are our favourite type of people; they are all well-behaved and have good taste in clothes. However, we are going to stop paying for their stuff, because we think it would be a nice gesture if someone else did it for a while’.

The DWP, who currently pay the fee, are at loggerheads with the BBC, who are reluctant to dent their budget. The DWP justify this move by likening it to 'it being your turn to call your mother. If you forget, she will likely never speak to you again'.

A BBC spokeswoman uneasily commented ‘We might now be forced to pay for the old buggers' television licences. I’m not particularly fond of old people anyway, so it makes me angry that the DWP people told us it is our turn to give them stuff. They smell of cabbage and lavender; that’s not a myth, it is actually true; I smelt one on the bus the other day’.

The BBC make a paltry income of £3.49 billion from licence fees, an income which, their spokesman states, they can ill afford to reduce. A breakdown of costs reveals that last year they spent most of it on buying an enormous red sofa and some costume jewellery for their news presenters.

‘They have to spend at least £2 billion on shiny stuff for me’, says news presenter Susanna Reid. ‘And they have to buy me stuff to make my tits look bigger too’.

Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Government law proposal

The government have proposed to implement a 'child ban' throughout the whole of England and Wales. Current laws mean that children can freely roam the streets, live in houses and flats, attend schools, play on swings and generally be a temptation to paedophiles . Under the new legislation, children will no longer be allowed in the country, and existing citizens under the age of 18 will be sent to live in Bangladesh. Government minister Alice Spring states 'If there are no children to wank over, then paedophilia will be completely obliterated. We are also making moves to ban them from appearing on the television and even the radio. Sometimes even the sound of a minor's voice is enough to get a paedo's loins stirring'.
The move will not be a popular one amongst paedophiles. Career child-molester, Henry DuMonkton, says the new law is not ideal.
'Until now, I was freely able to leer at, and touch, small children. Once this law has been implemented, I'll have to just look at them on the internet. This is not ideal'

Karina Evans 2010

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Chain emails

My new favourite pastime:

Chain emails DO work

An email survey has concluded that chain emails DO work. A survey of 75,358,502 recipients of one particular chain email has shown that the ‘forwarders’ of the email all received amazing stuff.
The email involved in the study promises readers 25 years of amazing stuff if they forward the self-harming angel to 100 recipients. The study shows that one percent of the readers do so, mainly because they believe the email curse warning that they will get stuck down a mine, or their ears will fall off, if they don’t.
‘Basically, I didn’t want to be left with no ears,’ states Elyzabyth, aged 29, from Essex, before poignantly adding ‘my ears are useful.'
Not only do Elyzybeth, and about 753,000 others still have the use of their ears, they have also been blessed with other amazing stuff. EeJiT, 12, from West Hastings, states that following the email, his luck began to change:
‘I returned home from burgling to find six pence in smash [young speak for ‘coppers’] under my bread bin. That mashed-up angel bird put it there. Them’s a gift from her. Then I found out that weird man from the telly had been fired from all telly channels as he is a dirty paedo. Innit. This is more than one of them coincidences.'
Tellingly, it is reported that the Chilean miners each received this very email on their Blackberry mobiles just HOURS before the fateful descent into that dark shaft thing. Luckily, they are relatively unscathed; initial reports suggest all ears remain intact. However, a recent email rumour suggests that one miner may have suffered a quite disgusting scratch to the top of his left ear, just by the folded-over bit.
The advice given by head researcher, Eggleton Smith, is to forward the self-harming angel, as otherwise stuff might happen that's not very nice. 'Forward the self-harming ange,', Eggleton says, 'otherwise, stuff might happen that's not very nice.'

Karina Evans 2010

Monday, 4 October 2010

Monday? Friday?

I'm considering the merits of blogging on a particular day of each week. Like a part-time job. Monday feels right, but I have nothing to say. Oh, I have...

Maybe Friday.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

Biscuits and vodka

Ok, so the website is up and running, the novel is (re re re re) edited to within an inch of its life, and what am I doing? Eating biscuits and drinking vodka, that's bloody what. I'm going to end up an overweight and perpetually (marginally) angry alcoholic at this rate. I never thought it'd be easy, but I actually only want a £5,000,000 book deal. Surely not too much to ask?

Location:Parker Rd,Hastings,United Kingdom

I'm still here

I have been doing nothing but making my website for the past month. Hopefully, the obsession has paid off. Here: